Tuesday, March 8, 2011

jesus, saviour, pilot me!


"JESUS, SAVIOUR,
PILOT ME"


i can honestly say i want that statement to be enough for this post, but i will dive in a little deeper:
those words above come from an old hymn (click on words above to be brought to a page to hear it). they also are words that challenge and encourage me both at the same time. somehow, it's the type of challenge that does bring encouragement. it doesn't make much sense, i know, but i'm sure if you think of a specific time that has happened, is happening, or you know will happen -it becomes more understandable.
these words were shared yesterday by a friend of our family who has/is suffering a heartache. for them, heartache involves a beautiful baby girl who now lives with jesus. i wont dive too much into their story, but i do wonder if this family will ever know the encouragement they were to so many who saw them go through this.
it is something i have taken very seriously as we approach the end of our current pregnancy, and the "past issue" lingers above my head. it makes me so very sad for this couple, as i can't help but imagine myself in their shoes. sadly, i have not dealt well with it. i let my grief for what happened [for them] mix with feelings of what could happen [for us] and with feelings of i don't REALLY know how to comfort her [them]. so, i just "ignore" the whole situation and it goes away, right?! i guess this is why i'm so challenged by the words and by their response to what life has brought them.
when wanting to have another baby, the thought of losing baby's or my own life was far from thought. the seriousness of what happened when they delivered aiden wasn't pressing. (**just to clarify -> all of our tests have all been clear so far & baby sophia is growing beautifully!!! please just keep praying!!!**)
i found myself explaining it bluntly to someone who asked the other day,
"in short, my body stops working the way it should and the liver enzymes stop processing...if undetected, my organs could shut down one by one, leaving me in the worse case scenario -> in a coma and eventually death. the risk would also pass to unborn baby & can result in still birth. if detected, the only solution is to deliver baby early and pray for the best."

and thought to myself as the words were coming out,
"wow, this sounds really dumb to be expecting again -why take the chance when it's this serious?"

i can't really answer why, but do know that i don't regret it! i already love this baby inside me more than i can describe, have since day #1 of knowing she was in there!! i've imagined what she'll look like and when she'll come, what she'll do with her life and what her temperament will be...even down to what she'll want to play with and how we'll get her to smile. i do know that i'm not "scared" per say. of course, there is a natural tendency to worry, but i don't sit and think all the time about the worst case scenario.
enter challenge of hymn's words. i say that i trust god, but am i really trusting him? am i letting him pilot, or am i -untrained & inexperienced -trying to step up to that task? am i saying, "whatever happens lord, pilot me!" like this couple did, or am i saying "only if it turns out good, pilot me!" these words become my prayer!
as we journey through this last trimester, however long it might last, please pray with us for health and smoothing out insurance. please pray that i would let jesus pilot & really let him pilot!!

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